Waterlocked
My feet barely disturb the waterlogged and cold sand, floating in it like in an ether dream.
In the darkness the sea seems louder, the roar no longer displaced by the slack jaw of aesthetic awe.
My night vision is flattened, the portion of the beach I can see in the bleak fluorescence of the street lights is grey, as though the black mass of the sea has sucked the colour out like nectar. One breath in and I am up to my ankles, I look down, my winter coat trailing in the water.
I am one of millions of honey ants displaced from the heaving stomach of the hill, from that red centre. Now the sea threatens to suck me back out. To desiccate me.
I think, would it really matter if one of us, one of these million ants, stopped working, stopped carrying, lay down and rolled, rolled right off the edge?
It is a Sunday night. I am aware of this, as I was aware of myself heading home on the last train. The air sick, sweet; perfumed by warm bodies who converse too loud and too harsh into deaf ears for the confines of the space. I had let my rightful station pass, and the lights of suburbia fade as the right window became a dark square of open water. I was drawn here.
The sleighbells of the level crossing and I am dully aware of my blind toes in the sand.
Think- I could follow some phantom current out to sea, never be seen again. To throw oneself in a perfect arc and skip across the surface like a desert rock. You erode until you disappear.
Vanish in the gurgle of the ripples.
Across the bay, I think of the small town where my holiday house sits. But it is not mine. It is my Grandmother’s. A series of corrections, that grow more and more innocuous. The renegotiation of the line between the sand and the water. They say the mind erodes much like that. In waves.
The beach house. St Leonards.
I think of that road to the beach, the one that flattens around you. Through the grassy plains spread thin to the toasted edge of the horizon with the relentless butterknife of European settlers long dead. I have followed this white-bread finger through the years, as a child and then a feral teen, now my mind returns there. You pass the Cheetham salt farms, expanses of twinkling water which reflect the empty sky, as the vacant eyes of their siren symbol wink through the car windows, her lonely song silenced by the roaring of the asphalt against the tires.
The town sits like a stuffed hobby horse which has long since bucked its riders. The empty fish and chip shop, the newsagent, the ice creamery rise out of the green like the earth’s inessential limbs, they will eventually crumble, I think, be still, no longer wound by human hands.
The caravan park is a deserted carnival ground, the lonely power sockets sticking out of the ground waiting to be surged with too many comforts of home.
I think of the pier, and of the squid ink tags upon it. The black marks are soaked defiantly into cement, betraying a muffled violence like a scream just cut short by a hand. Each squid his own personal Pollock, smashing himself like a fly into canvas, like a Brackhage moth into film. Martyrs in their art. Fishermen here wear comic parkas too large that marshmallow at the shoulder; they are curled and hunched and dried like dead teatrees gnarled against the breeze. Their fingernails eclipsed crescent moons of dirt, or fish guts. Probably both.
Wrapped in black vestments, suddenly I think of the jetty at the New South Wales town of Tathra where a father and two boys drowned after leaping in after a pram. We used to holiday there when I was younger. The town’s other crowning achievement is the capture of the largest shark ever from a pier. That and the crab races, and the mechanical whale, Winky, who performs in the window each night. The Big Crab. The White Whale. The Big Shark. The drowning seems small beneath these, beneath the pier- I once swum under it, saw the sparkling eyes of the fish hooks hanging off it. I think of dark water, dark purple, the capsized pram in silhouette, the mouths of sharks all white below.
All around the perimeter of this island, I think, fishermen stand in silent vigil mourning the drowned. Their baited hooks drift out, again and again, coming back empty or piercing a gasping fish.
There are the lighthouses with their spotlights bleating, a feeble mother’s cry, over and over again, calling the names of lost boys, calling Our John, our Harry, Our Ernie, calling them back to rooms, back to their homes for tea. The border patrol boats standing at the ready with crisp blankets for the victims gone stiff with the salt air.
I turn away from the beach. I imagine myself…
Back in St. Leonards. Up the rolling-hill in leaps and bounds and you find yourself at the lookout point, and you appreciate the view like an adult. There on the horizon the otherworldly lights form the now familiar Melbourne skyline, you look down deeply at the red cliffs and see them retreating with erosion, the water’s depth and colour you’ve learned are determined by the tide. You become aware of the shapes that rise out of the plaque overlooking the sea, familiar in a half-memory, in child eyes. They rise up as words now, their meaning becomes apparent as you notice the flowers; they catch the bottom corner of the eye, the petals dissolving into the brown water in cheap jars licked clean of marmalade. The embossed names cast shadows on the bird shit, they make spectres of the two boys; you become aware of the two boys: descending the rolling-hill in leaps and bounds. In some buried day, the boys and I, racing, racing down the hill, we are the Famous Five, lemonade and lashings of tongue, oh yum, the smugglers somewhere beneath the cliffs. Dick, Fanny, me, you, there is nothing to stop up as the day stretches on and on and on until dark, ’til we have to be home for tea.
I am up to my ankles, wading, wading. I follow the boys, cajoling each other, running at breakneck speed into the water, in up to their girlish waits, then the giggling and then the thrashing about, pretend-drowning one another, then one or the other gets sore about it and without realizing they get deeper and deeper, and mother said never to swim out of your depth but disobedience and danger are indistinct entities, like the cold grey skin of the boys and the foam of waves that didn’t look so rough from the sand, they drift further, as their lungs fill, one dunking the other again and again, and then the older one realizes he has gone too far, and the pretend has gotten real, and his feet cannot touch the sand and the other writhes underneath and one tries to save the other but in nature’s cruel irony the instinct is to drown the savior, and then finally lungs are drained of breath which is replaced with saltwater and the undertow is the undertaker and the seagulls sing last rites.
It’s all very well-dressed in a hand-painted aquamarine tint of a black and white negative, a depression era painting, the romance of the drowning. The disappearance and the mystery allow for uncertainty. Better that than the creeping car, and the open door and the eager eyes offering sweets which of course turn sour in the long-run when they try to run and the boys all wrapped up in bonbon papers and deposited in the ground. Better that than the careful measurements and the building of two child caskets. No, the sea has mystery and suspense. The boys dissolve like disprin there. Right as rain.
Here I stand, wet, like someone waiting for the whales, waiting for the boys to breach a second, fall back down. To discover something new and fresh at the edge of the abyss. I am not alone.
I think I can see the silhouette of Harold Holt in the dim light, I am sure of it. In up to his ankles, wading this, every shore. Imagine him; shedding his arms like wisdom teeth. Ribs open like clams to slit the skins surface, reforming gills. He follows a tremor; muscle memory of water pounds through buried river veins. He is an inland rock, red. The wrinkles in his dry skin inverted rivulets, recalling- the inscribed urge to skip and skip across the surface until… he disappears. Dissolves in the wall of spray. His mouth a plughole bursts open. His cry fades into sea foam, forms whale song. Made invisible- he escapes through the smoke screen, he is distilled vital particles- Evaporated elsewhere. The frontal lobe swells, breaks its banks, the stream soothes eons of evolutionary ache. The flood diverges into a salt lake. His synapses, a submerged circuit board, flash, flash, surge, surge in cacophony for a second before they die. Lighthouses swallowed by the tide. He fills and fills and fills, finally equalising the external pressure of living on his skin. And now, waterlogged, Our Harold Holt can sink. The Australian dream. A baked body sleepwalking into water.
Down to the sea floor, an abandoned carnival ground, littered with picked bones, melted soft serve bodies. The inverse sun of lava blazes like hell through the fissures, through the cracks.
We are not desert rocks, I think we are tectonic plates, moving back to sea. There is nothing new there, nothing for sore old eyes. The anthill of home not in the heart of this island but somewhere miles away, past the breakers, buried, out to sea.
A mother’s voice, whale song, calling us out. Drowned by the roar.
But now it is too late in the day, and we have to be getting back home for supper.
Being land bound for so long has made me old. My sea legs no longer wobble, now they shiver, the feeling of a child’s exhilaration replaced with the coldness of bones when the waves come in.
And they are coming in, as I feel the rocks tug at my toes- the dead, shed fingernails of Virginia Woolf.
My own fingers find my pockets and I turn back from the water.
No.
I cannot dress up the boys in aquamarine.
The sea howls now in an alien tongue that erases language in its path. I cannot see it, in the darkness, but the force of noise pushes me back.
I am numb, I am dumb.
I am going blind.
The darkness-
There is nothing in the Australian imaginary that can be stitched to this, no sun that can penetrate and bleach the bones, no wattle that can perfume, no poetry that can pretty the waterlogged corpses of the drowned.
The blind cannot paint romance onto the suck of a spitting sea.
I could trace the perimeter of the continent, ask the guardians, the fishermen the why of if all. I can see their faces now, staring back, with empty squid-ink eyes, deep black mouths like whale spouts. Ugly and without art.
They never knew any answer except the roar.
I know now. I now know.
The only more terrifying than the sirens is their silence.
The fishermen will pull me back with their hooks if I should try to escape.
And, I…
I will remain stranded on this island, in the same place where I began.
With my numb feet dumbly feeling the edge of an uncanny sea; with the tide always coming, coming always-
Always closing in.
~~~~~~~~
Eloise Grills lives in Melbourne, Australia. She is currently completing her Honours thesis in the department of English at the University of Melbourne.